I had a colleague once who regularly revised her escape plans for the zombie apocalypse. I tried to do the same, but it quickly became apparent I was wasting my time. 

     I’m not particularly healthy, and I don’t run fast. If I had to hide out in a deserted building or a thick forest, I’d have absolutely no skills for survival. I don’t know how to start a fire, build a bivouac, or catch a rabbit. Plus, I’m a vegetarian. In times of crisis, I generally drink too much, which would probably further hinder my escape.

     I’ve decided instead to plan an outfit for the occasion. You might think: cargo pants with pen knives and Kendal Mint Cake in the pockets, a thick jumper and a waterproof coat, sturdy boots. But see above, what would be the point?

     The chances are the zombies will get me fairly quickly. Most of my shoes are high heels, and even with the zombies’ shambling gait, I reckon they’ll catch up. So I’m going to go for my most outrageous stilettos. There could be benefits. Either they’ll be wowed into stopping and staring, buying me precious seconds. Or, when I run, trip, twist an ankle, my resultant stagger will help me to pass for a zombie myself.

     In the event I’m bitten quite quickly, as we’ve observed is highly probable, at least I will live out my new undead existence with excellent taste. It would cheer me up, I think, to know that even if I’m a zombie, I still look good. 

     Obviously the grey skin won’t be a great look, but some colours complement grey better than others. I’m not usually one for pink, but I think it’d be the best contrast for my new pallor. In order to shamble effectively, I’ll avoid maxi dresses or pencil skirts, but something knee-length and A line, flattering but not too alluring, seems optimal. Quite a heavy fabric would be preferable to anything floaty or chiffon—in the films, zombie clothes seem to get ripped up pretty fast. 

     I’m thinking tights underneath, though, because the decaying flesh won’t add to the effect once I’m inevitably turned. Probably a cardigan for the same reasons, but no point in a coat if you’re a zombie, is there? What with being cold-blooded—or is it no-blooded?—and all. 

     Underwear should be robust, yet elegant, for the above point about ripped clothing.

     If nothing else, you rarely see well-dressed zombies in the movies. People will probably be filming the apocalypse on their phones; maybe the media will even turn out, until they’re also victims, of course. You know what it’s like: what she’s wearing to the apocalypse is so much more interesting than what she’s achieved (shit, she’s a zombie now). Might as well grab a little undead fame in the final moments before the era of the dead takes hold. 

     I mean, I really hope they find a way to stop the apocalypse, ideally before I lose too much decaying flesh. But when they look back at the archive footage, I’ll be there. Pink dress, high heels, perfectly matching. Maybe someone will write about me in a PhD dissertation about zombies. Got to look on the bright side, after all.